I think one of the hardest realizations I have had during the last few weeks was just how mean I am to myself. I’m not kidding! It seems as I look around, that I was continually looking for new ways to deprive myself. Because I didn’t deserve “nice things” - things like a healthy weight, or a clean home, or even just those moments of peace in the morning when you have a cup of coffee and watch the sun rise. No, every day was a mad dash, a scramble as I browbeat myself with internal dialogue that wasn’t loving. “Your house is a MESS… you’re a failure… nobody likes you… you will never get this place straightened up and you will never lose weight!”
Not very nice, is it? I was nasty to myself. When I went shopping, I always cut my things off the list “to save money” so I never had new clothes, or little creature comforts. I wasn’t living, I was barely existing. And the few times I did something nice for myself, if something went wrong later I would blame myself and say I had been selfish. What nonsense!
What it’s about is learning to love yourself, just as you are. Finding ways to say “I am a good person, and I deserve to feel good when I get up in the morning. My knees don’t need to hurt from carrying extra weight. I deserve to have good food - YUMMY food - nutritious food, not just crappy fast food. I deserve to have vitamins here in the house and to take them every day.”
It’s going to be something I will have to work at every day, but at least now I know what I’ve been doing. And I don’t hate myself any more. I like myself - and I think I can find ways to learn to love myself too.
January 3rd, 2008 at 5:45 am
Good luck with your plan! I found http://www.johnstonefitness.com to be a great source of inpiration, on the one hand john is a role model, on the other hand the forums are a great source of information and support!
Keep going one step every day and you will be at the place you want to be in no time
Sven